My depression isn’t just a flickering appearance in certain times but rather a constant companion. A dance partner in a wild and never ending tango. I am not sure why I describe my depression as a male dancer, it might be that in days like these he reminds me of the suffocating male presence that forces women into submission, be it physically, emotionally or intellectually. My depression in the current round is the lead that swirls, pushes and drags me through the dance floor that is my daily life.
The tango is considered an erotic, beautiful dance but in my mind the tango with my depression is one of domination and submission. Whenever I try to turn away from the dance floor, the overpowering partner drags me back into the abyss of loud shrieking sound and blinding light.
Whatever helping hand I try to grasp to be pulled away from the repetitive turns and twists slips away while I am being tossed and thrown like a little doll that my dance partner treats to his pleasure. Yes I believe my depression has an evil joy of seeing me spin around thoughts of self-loathing, resignation and despair. Whenever my body is too weak to fulfill simple tasks of nourishing or rest I can feel the malign joy of him sensing his gain in territory over my mind and body.
Whatever cry of help I try to express is swallowed by the shrieking sound of silence that is the music of this cruel dance. Often I wonder if I can ever manage to leave this dance floor. There are moments when I am able to push him back and take the lead in this dance, but only with the constant paranoia that he can take me back into his chokehold and conduct the next composition.
So it goes on and on in turns and twists the tango with my depression in front of the audience of anxiety, fear, hate and desperation that watch and even applaude my body to paralyse and my voice to disappear. What a cruel entertainment this is.
Oh, how much I wish the dance was the Waltz, where my partner is the careful, yet confident manifestation of my self-appreciation. Where turns are less violent and more playful, where guidance is more for assurance rather than domination.
A Waltz, that has structure allowing calmness and peace to be in lead with the soft caress of self-love and comfort when being held by my partner.